Saturday, May 29, 2010

Complete and total meltdown

This has been a rough week, as I already shared in a previous post. Well, today everything came to a head. I was getting ready to go run errands with Ross. I had just finished my make up, the way that Ross likes it, and broke down. I cried and cried and cried and cried. I just couldn't stop! It was horrible. I'm about to be way too honest about why I was crying. I'm about to be totally transparent so, don't judge. I need to be able to look back at this when I'm pregnant next time and remember that I made it through.

-What if I don't like the baby?
-What if I don't think he's cute?
-Do I even want a baby? (not that I have a choice)
-What if he takes away the "us" that Ross and I have had for nearly 10 years? I really love how our relationship is now and don't want that to be destroyed.
-Ross is going to come home now and be more excited to see the baby than he will be to see me.
-People are going to call to check on the baby and not even care how I'm doing.
-My body is changing and I don't like it. I've gained 5 lbs and don't like seeing the scale crawl up and up...and I know that this is only the beginning.
-I'm getting *bad word* stretch marks! Um....I'm 25. I don't need those and quite frankly, it's pissing me off.
-I needed new bras this week because the torpedoes are enormous and Target doesn't even carry my size anymore. I almost cried in the store.
-I can't stand up without getting dizzy, seeing spots or seeing complete darkness.
-I can't sit down without groaning and positioning myself like a 90 year old man.
-I can't sit up from laying down without having sharp pains in my belly. It's like my ab muscles have quit.
-I can't put my socks on without sitting down. Long gone are the days of standing up and putting on one sock at a time. Now, I have to sit down and help bring my other leg up so that I can reach it.
-I have had diarrhea, bad diarrhea, for about a month. The doctor says that it's just how my body is reacting to everything. (See, I told you I was going to be too honest.)
-I like that Ross loves on my belly all the time but, at the same time, I'm jealous. Today, I told him "Love on me, not on him." How fickle have I gotten? Ugh.
-I'm tired of having to eat every 2 hours to avoid getting a glucose headache. I'm not even hungry most of the time but still have to eat.
-I'm short of breath. I can't climb a single flight of stairs without being winded. Sometimes, even when I'm sitting down I can't catch my breath. It sucks.
-Obviously, my hormones are going NuTs!
-My back hurts a lot. It doesn't hurt all the time and that's good but, when it hurts, it really hurts.
-I'm scared of labor.
-I'm scared of labor recovery.
-I'm scared of breastfeeding and all of its complications.
-I'm scared of how big I'm going to get during the pregnancy.
-I'm scared of losing the baby weight.
-I'm scared of coming home from the hospital with a baby....I mean, what the heck do you do with a baby all day long?
-Basically, I'm just scared of everything.


Leslie said...

ohhh Kac. I want to hug you.
All of this will be ok..

let me tell you Im pretty sure I was one of the most anxiety ridden pregnant women of all time..


its ok to be scared..

your in the hands of someone so so capable.. and im praying for you for peace, for calm.

we need to talk. I related with a lot of this.. especially the being scared of Rylan ruining the "us"... I really really was... she didn't, and #2 didn't.. they just "magnified"... it.. :)

Love you friend. In a few months.. you will never have imagined life any other way... ohh and winded on stairs... there brutal aren't they. I totally agree. I used to carry books up our three story house.. just to stop and read.. and catch my breath.

Jessica said...

I also remember one particular night right before bed (I think), starting to cry to Otto (while sitting on the TOILET(!)), (and with you probably doing your homework next door!) that I was worried that the baby would come between us and would change our relationship. And they DO change the relationship, but it's okay. It's REALLY okay. And there are definitely tough times - I mean we're STILL dealing with Andy's terrible allergies (although they're better than they were), and nursing was no picnic, but it's all so worth it. SO worth it. It's a journey, just like the rest of life. It will be wonderful, and it will be really hard some days, too. But there is way more good than bad. At least so far - I've got a little ways to go yet. :o) A big cyber-space hug to you, Kacie!

Christy said...

Oh girl I loved your transparancy. It raw and honest and really just life. The baby is going to change you guys but you will figure it all out. I think Leslie hit the nail on the head when she said it magnified it. Our kids are now 9 and almost 6 and I couldnt love my husband more if I tried. I love watching him love on our girls and be thier hero. I love that we are constantly laughing and sneaking around to be intimate when they are asleep cause surely they will come knocking on the door the minute we get our clothes off. ;) I love that WE go through all the tough stuff with the kids together and belly laugh at the insane stuff. Your body? God made you for a day just as this. Your going to do great! Keep your chin up and remember this will all be funny in about a year. (OK most of it) :)

Lacey said...

Just remember how sad you were every month that you didn't get want this baby. And umm, you have one of the hottest husbands in the world; your baby boy will be super handsome!Beautiful people have beautiful babies; you two are perfect for this ;) Love you, miss you!!

Miss G said...

oh I hope you're feeling better. I am already down to my pre-pregnancy weight and it's only been a little over four months. Now all of the weight is not in the exact same places but I'm wearing a whole lot of my pre-pregnancy clothes and it's really all okay. I promise!

Nursing is a learning curve for both of you, baby and mama but you can do it! Don't be afraid to call the hospital back after you're discharged and talk to the lactation consultant again. Tell her how it's going. Ask questions about the details that you're not quite sure about. My pediatrician's office even has a lactation consultant on staff. Calling these ladies and some moms I know who'd been there before was always a great encouragement and I kept getting different little tips and tricks of the trade along the way that helped. Kelly