Sheer frustration but absolute, unconditional love.
The story: Today was one of those hard days, but I learned a lot. It seems that hard nights are always followed by rough days and this was no exception. This morning I wanted to go to MOPS for the first time since he was born. It was a lofty goal, being that it starts at 9 am, but we made it! Side note: MOPS is very difficult for me. Strangers scare me. Meeting new people scares me. Large amounts of people scare me. Trying to start up conversations scares me. Add all of these together and it's basically my worst nightmare. Now, add a new, squirmy, grunting, pooping, loud baby in a quiet room and ta dah!! You get a hard morning. After the awkward small talk over breakfast, the speaker began...and so did Carson. *moan*grunt*fart*squeak*repeat* Now, you'd think that a room full of mothers would be the most understanding place in the world. Or not. So, I took Cars into another room to feed and change him. (and to avoid the glares, I mean, glances from other moms) He was doing better so we tried again. Well, that lasted for all of about 3 minutes. I ended up leaving early and crying in my car. Cool, huh? I mean, way to hold it together, be strong, etc. And...of course, he stops crying and starts being all happy when we get in the car so I set lofty goal #2...Sonic and Target solo with the little man. We got half way through getting a drink and he starts super-fussing again. Ok. I get the point. It's time to go home. We went home, nursed, had lunch and crashed out on the couch. He slept on my chest and let me tell you, it was way better than any speaker at MOPS.
The evaluation: Today I learned that it's ok if my plans change because of my son. He comes first. I was so frustrated with those other moms and was in total "momma bear" mode. I mean I was MAD! As trying as these times are, I am so very, beyond words, in love with Carson. I am truly learning the meaning of unconditional love. He can be spitting up, pooping, screaming and snotting all at the same time and I still can't get mad at him! I think that The Lord gives us patience beyond what we could ever have on our own. He gives us compassion and strength. He gives us love. Carson can be testing me to my absolute limit but then I look at his sweet little face and melt all over again. Not mad. Not frustrated. Not at my wit's end...just smitten. Just a momma loving her baby boy. Just doing the best, the one million percent best, that I can to be the mom that the Lord has prepared me to be. So you know what? Target can wait. MOPS will be there again next time. The dishes can be put away later. For now, my son needs me to lay on the couch and let him sleep on my chest...and that's exactly what we will do.