Before Carson was born I had this vision of the love I would have for him. I expected them to place him on my chest and for me to be as full of love for him as I would ever be in my life. And I was...or so I thought. At that moment, full of tears and joy and pain and awe, I saw my sweet, precious baby boy and thought, "I could never love you anymore than I do now." You see, I thought that my love was complete, at 100%, but I was wrong.
As the days went on, I got concerned. I didn't feel like we were connecting as much as I expected us to. In hindsight, he was just in "newborn coma" and I was just plain exhausted. We didn't have time to connect. I mean, his eyes were hardly ever even open! But now, ooooh, but now...we are connected. We are like one.
It seems like each day I think, "I could never love you anymore than I do now." And then, the next day, I think the same thing and I just smile. I love him so much. I wish that there was a better way to say it because that doesn't seem to even scratch the surface of the feeling. This is a 100% unconditional, unselfish, unwavering kind of love. (wow- that sounded like a line from a country song) I mean, I love him when he's crying, screaming his head off with crocodile tears streaming down his round little cheeks. I love him when he's pooed half-way up his back side and barfed all over his carpet at 3am. I love him when he's sleeping and his tiny little chest rises and falls. I love him when we are in the bath and his eyes get wide when he feels the water. I love him when he is on his changing table, cooing and laughing and smiling. I even love him when he's screaming at the top of his lunges in Target and people think I'm a horrible mom.
It is truly unfathomable how great my love is for this precious baby boy. My heart aches with how deep my concern is for him and it is just amazing how my love for him grows each and every day. I know that the Lord has given us, as parents, a never ending supply of love for our children. I know that, no matter what he does, I will never be able to love him less. (I may not like him for the moment, but that's another story.) I am thankful for the ability to love. I am thankful for the chance to be a mother. I am thankful for our son.
And, you know what I'm excited about? I'm excited for when he reciprocates...for that hug or kiss or "I love you." I mean, wow. What a day that will be! But for now, each little smile is enough for me to know that he loves me too.